June

6 [tues]

Hi! This is my first ever journal entry :) it's only noon as I'm writing this. Earlier today I got to see a choir preformance, the singing was suprisingly good, even in the beginning classes, but what really caught my attention was the lighting. I don't think it was on purpose, but when the theatre went dark, the stage lights shined through the hands of the person playing the piano, reflecting their motions in shadow on the wall and ceiling. My birthday is coming soon (the 11th) and me and two close friends are hoping to go to a nearby amusement park... we'll see if that works out. I've never been on a roller coaster (have you?). Right now I'm sitting outside in the grass, under the shade of a tree. It's so sunny today, the sky is more contrasting than usual, straight blue instead of the usual scattered clouds. It's really nice here. Song recommendation today: "Taking What's Not Yours" by TV Girl :)

7 [wed]

Hi um == it's 1:20 am rn.. i am defenitely not going to get enough sleep tonight... i've been fiddling with this website stuff for ages. i cant tell if the images aren't loading or if i'm doing something wrong?

alright, yep, my journal entry isn't even loading, it must be my wifi or something. (fixed it) today i learned how to hard reset a webpage lmao

hello, it's actually morning now -u- im still having image troubles with my index, there's supposed to be like some orcas and stuff on there, but idk how to fix it so cool B)
i have nothing interesting to share, i'm very focused on this stuff rn.

the problem was that they were way far away off the page gbgfppfdSD

8 [thurs]

I have a lot of work and projects to finish before the end of the school year (the 20th) but hopefully it'll all work out. I'm trying to make my about page but the layout keeps confusing me.. positioning stuff is weird
song reccomendation for today iss TV by Alex G
i love that song, it sounds so light.
I drew a figure with this one spine twist that I think looks cool, a girl based on outfits I keep seeing on pinterest, willow from The Owl House, notable since I like how they look. ...I am procrastinating..
okay hello, i have a better grasp on everything i have to do and how long i have to do it and HOLY SHIT.. HELP.. okay im off to write at least 12 paragraphs for this one thing

9 [fri]

Things have gotten better school wise, I now just have to (along with daily work ofc) finish this paper, then study for my exam on tuesday during the weekend (or just saturday probably since sunday is bday), and do these two other exams on my own time before the end of like next week.
Alright, anyways, it's really nice out today! This is the first time it's rained in a while. It's all cloudy out, so pretty. I've been having more fun with art lately, besides all the end of the year stuff, things are going well. I preordered ToTK and have barely played it because of how busy I've been. Is it just me or is this game a lot harder combat & puzzle-wise? Hmm.
For my birthday, I'm pretty certain that I'm getting both classic black sony headphones and a new bike (my old one completely rusted over during the winter), i'm super excited. Today I recommend Poison Tree by Grouper :)
added an abt me and interest page wooooooooooooo
i finally finished that one paper, it took much longer than i thought - -;
ouuug its so late... i finished my personality page thing i just gotta decorate it now but i have a migrane so im gonna shower and sleep. gn

10 [sat]

I walked to a nearby discount bike shop and ordered mine! It's going to get new tape, tires, and a rack added on. I'm super excited. When I got home I studied for my tuesday math stuff, & later in the day I might finish these slides I have to do. My birthday is tomorrow :) I'm super excited. It seems like there's a pretty good chance that one of my friends wont be able to come, that sucks but it'll be alright. ^^ Rides usually kind of pair you up anyways right? It might've been awkward with three.

13 [tues]

My birthday was really fun, I got stuff from my mom and one of my best friends, didn't get those headphones I wanted but there was a lot of cool stuff & even if it wasn't really something that I wanted, they were all really personalized and that meant a lot to me. That night things got a little weird, and they've sort of only gotten worse, everything's okay though.
I barely ever mess around with my own characters, always drawing fandom stuff instead, today I really wanted to start making a story of my own. After messing around with some ideas I ended up further developing these two already existing characters that I had, Ash and "Daisy". Daisy was originally more of an abstract idea based on smiling dalmations but she's not even really related to that anymore, I need to find her a new name. Ash (Ashley) was designed by my friend then given to me as like an art game ggvbbfff... ill probably upload some of the sketches soon, i dont know how to really explain their stuff cohesively yet.
Ahhhhhh

14 [wed]

hate school
this is pretty much me ranting about my friendships or lack there of too much: i like my one friend thats it. ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS COMMITTED ATROCITIES THEN LEFT AND NOW I ONLY HAVE A YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL LEFT SO THERE ARE LIKE NO NEW PEOPLE TO BEFRIEND???? i also like the people(FRIENDS probably but i dont want to assume(star eyes emoji)) in my guitar class (hi pickle(i HOPE you don't read through these(AND I HOPE YOU DONT READ THROUGH THE PAGE WHERE IM CRINGE P[LEASE)))
also the other two people(BUT YOU GUYS KEEP GETTING INTO DRAMA FCKIN CMONDNFMMMN) and the one person with the first person *falls face first onto the floor*
anyways i would be going home rn but im being emotional support as my friend retakes a test bc this friend is one of the few people i actually enjoy being around. today at lunch i slept on the ground outside with a book on my face. help me. i only hope that everyone around me undertsands that i am simply silly
im trying to get a grip on my sleeping schedule hoping that it is like the main thing affecting my mental health rnrnnnn? ? ?? ? ? ???????????????????????????????? ggbehebrr yuf ggfv bf f dfvfvdAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
when i type it out it sounds like i have friends bUT I FEEL SO ALONE
i think it's bc they r all younger than me -_- rargh
i had this realllyyy close like best friends friend group from middle school that all went to different places but we were super close then one moved away and now they pretty much all hate eachother so i cant go visit her without pissing of 1/2 of my closest friends and said 1/2 of my closest friends is really like my only friend actually in my grade level(theres the one who moved away but its complicated) WHICH SOUNDS SO DEPPRESSING SO I'M RIGHT I THINK I AM SO ALONE
remember when i was like "the sky is pretty today".? sometimes i wonder if things would have been better if i didnt come to this fancy art school where everyone is fancy and the school work is so intensive
i wore pajamas today -_-

15 [thurs]

i finally managed to get past my insomnia last night, im not feeling so uncomfortable like i have been for the past week. im feeling very inspired about art today! as i was walking to my first class of the day (late, again, my subconsious has been like physically fighting me as i try to go to and from school lately) i saw a cart of FREE books outside the library! a lot of them were about art and I think that all of them were damaged in some way. I looked through them and some CDs. I found this, slightly waterlogged. (image from google)
i've skimmed through it and it doesn't look like there's anything super important and must-save esc in there so I'm planning on making it into a sketchbook? For a few years I've been using lined composition notebooks for everything, tracking stuff, drawing, random thoughts, writing, etc. It's been fun but was originally an attempt at personal freedom and to help with the short and long term memory loss I was experiencing, which has improved since then (not fully of course.) But I'd like to have a collection of more finished looking stuff like I see in online sketchbook tours, yk? Might be fun to keep working at things until I like how they look, instead of just going to the next page. Holy crap you can tell how much more stable I am than I was yesterday HAHA. It must've been sleep I guess? Anyways! I think that it would be fun to just kind of like glue unlined paper in there, keeping some of the quotes from the book visible. Like maybe the first bits of the chapters, which each have a nice little image of some kind of architecture, a chapter heading, then some pretty sort of thesis statement like "...Our world, seen from above, is fascinating. A suprising design of fields and forests, of roads and rivers, of clusters of..." There are also some full page images of church interiors, blueprints, (random kitchen appliances which I will be covering up), and maps. I think it could be fun! And not too disrespectful to the book. I've also been given a very pretty and engraved leather journal with a metal clasp by one of my closest friends, hmmm. Maybe one of them will have to wait. Speaking of having to wait to do things, I've recently realized that I probably won't have time to tackle piano before my time in highschool ends, even while owning a keyboard --; I'll be focusing on guitar, russian, and of course illustration which seems to have taken the center stage in my life. It hasn't really felt like my "calling" since experiencing music, (and science) but I've found a crazy amount of practical use in it, and it does feel like it fits into all this at the very least. Anyway's I'm off to try to think of something to draw (for a while now I've been feeling like everything I try to draw I've already drawn before, does anyone have advice for this? I do need to go(further) study muscles but that would be silly for a first page, right?). See you!

I don't like my index... It feels way too flashy and impersonal for me, not at all tucked away like this journal or my interest pages. I'll probably redo it soon.

Lately I've started to be genuinley comforted by the presence and words of my friends and family, which is worrying. I've always struggled to feel my own emotions, usually not noticing them until they cause a physical reaction. Of course this is from my expeirence growing up but anyways, I've always been very independent. Like I mentioned before, I've been getting these feelings of reassurance and security from..,., more specifically my mother (who i only started having an actual reltionship with about a year or two ago) and my other best friend (who actually goes to my school). It is scary. I hope to god that I don't become reliant on this, well, I know that I won't let that happen, but I hope that it doesn't get so far that it hurts to shut down. Best case scenario I keep myself seperated but will be able to be more genuine and empathetic with the people I care about.

This last week things have completely slowed down in school which I am incredibly thankful for. I was told it would get way more intense haha.

This journal entry is way too long but it's my journal! And I actually have things to say today.

WE'RE WATCHING THE FIRST SPIDERVERSE MOVIE IN MY AP LANG CLASS OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've seen it tons of times but it's been a while and i just saw the second heeheh

July

7 [fri]

Song recommendation: Louise by TV girl
it's been a hot minute! summer has been going well, im currently focusing on studying for the knowledge test to get my learners permit. i guess ill probably be working more on this web stuff during the school year out of boredom and procrastinating ha! i finally got my bike, it's super cool, a street/road bike with dark grey/silver with brown highlights. ive using it to loop around down under a nearby bridge then through a sort of wilflife area, but id like to do something new and longer. i was recently reccomended two new routes so hopefully i can do those. i want to upload pictures here but i always forget --; i also ordered those headphones i wanted! they were half off :) im using them right now actually.
i got back from the coast on the start of july!
it feels weird to give practically no context to these things, but my situation has been a bit stressful lately so id rather not bog them down. my love of marine life and related stuff has recently been a lot higher, i'm seriously considering marine biology as a possible career path! you always hear about it but for some reason i never considered it. such cool stuff.
its almost 7pm and i just got back from the mall, i recently cleaned out my closet so its nice to get these useful sort of staple pieces ive been wanting for a while. Tomorrow im going to meet one of my best friend's online friend in person, kind scared lmao

entries for june, july and august, 2023.. first entries.

return?